- Zhanar Nagayeva & Galym Zhussipbek
These days, we often come across the concepts like self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, and mindset changing; thus, many books and articles have been written, and many techniques and courses have been developed to help people rethink their self-esteem, self-concept, and their thinking patterns. Adults spend years trying to change their negative, even destructive mindsets, psychological settings, and thinking ways that originated in their early years or later childhood. It is a matter of fact that our feelings and thoughts about ourselves influence our attitudes towards ourselves and other people, our socializations, the ways how we approach life, and how we see the outside world (whether it as a welcoming place with many opportunities or a dangerous place with many threats) are very important. Thus, it seems necessary to consider the ways of formation of self-esteem and how we can help children build healthy and balanced self-esteem.
Self-esteem is important faculty of human nature. Also, it can be characterized as an important part of our thinking, perception of the world, and the way how we respond to life, behave, and make decisions. Possessing balanced, healthy self-esteem is a key to having a fulfilling life. It is a mental program that will allow us to fulfill our potential to its whole extent. However, not balanced self-esteem will hold us back from development, success, achieving goals, contributing to the world, frightening us with failures and great risks, and not allowing us to see the abundance of opportunities provided by life.
I have met many people who were successful and not. Still, it wasn’t clear to me why people with great potential could be so indecisive, waiting for something, wasting years of their lives, afraid of social reaction, daring to do things or engage in the projects they consider important. Thus, adults should know at least some basic information about self-esteem to help children develop and nurture healthy self-esteem or at least be aware of how not to damage it.
Concerning self-esteem, it is our feelings about the beliefs our self-concept contains. For example, our thoughts about being professional will most likely make us feel contentment, joy, and pride. At the same time, our beliefs that we don’t satisfy the social norms and family expectations will lead to unpleasant feelings of anxiety, fear, indecision, and even experiencing an inferiority complex.
Self-concept is a mental image, a set of beliefs people have about themselves. For example, a person may think about themselves as a professional software engineer who can solve many complex IT tasks and as a wholesome person who cares about family, friends, and the environment. Another person, on the contrary, may think about oneself as not meeting the expectations of family and society, not having enough income, and not being good at socializing.
Concerning self-esteem, it is our feelings about the beliefs our self-concept contains. For example, my belief about being professional is most likely will make me feel contentment, joy, and pride, while my belief that I don’t satisfy the social norms and family expectations will lead to unpleasant feelings of anxiety, fear, indecision, and even to experiencing inferiority complex.
Let’s see the ways self-concept is built that will eventually influence self-esteem. First, self-concept is developed through interactions with others and the environment from a very young age. This brings us to consider the quality of attachment of a child with the caregiver/s during the first years, where attachment, according to John Bowlby[1], is a deep and enduring emotional bond among a child and their caregiver across time and space. If a child is loved and cared for, a secure attachment is formed[2]. According to the latest developments in attachment theory, the attachment bond is rather founded on the nonverbal emotional communication of a caregiver with a child[3].
Bowlby’s attachment theory suggests that attachment leads to the development of a cognitive framework or an internal working model that affects a child’s understanding of the world and serves as a prototype (model) for a child’s social and emotional relationships in the future. This internal working model describes, according to the received relationship experience with a caregiver, a model of others (trust), a model of self (self-worth), and a model of self in interactions (effectiveness in interactions)[4]. Thus, we see that self-concept and self-esteem are built even through the first experience of interactions with a caregiver, where the child needs not just love and care but a form of wordless communication where they are shown respect and acceptance.
“The first duty of the educator, whether he is involved with the newborn infant or the older child, is to recognize the human personality of the young being and respect it.” [5] – Maria Montessori
As a child grows up and starts to understand speech and to interact with other people in the playground and classroom, adults need to apply responsive language, where they use language in a nurturant way, build relationships and communication based on respect, and care, respect a child’s ideas, feelings, dignity, provide reasoning, and explanations, encourage dialog, independent thinking. In cases of misbehavior, adults give a child to understand that while it isn’t ok and treat him with unconditional positive regard.
Adults should meet a child’s needs in security, love, and trust. Adults give positive messages, encouragement, compliments, and praise to influence a child’s self-concept directly. It is desirable to introduce to a child the concept of dignity, explain to them that they are valuable and worthy as every single person and creature in the universe, and introduce them basics of children’s rights. Positive relationships should be built through personal greetings, spending time together, sharing ideas and stories on interesting topics, providing positive verbal (praise) and nonverbal feedback (smile, hugs), highlighting positive behavior and achievements, and providing opportunities to succeed to understand and internalize the concept of success.
Adults need to ensure not to use restrictive language, comparing, judging, criticizing, and threatening a child, suppressing his independent thinking, opinion sharing, and being unresponsive to a child’s needs and feelings, which may seriously damage a child’s self-concept and self-esteem.
This is a way how self-concept is influenced and supported, which with all contained beliefs affect a child’s self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence. The more self-concept and self-esteem are well-grounded, the more positive and successful a child will be in social-emotional development, the stronger their immunity will be against destructive social experiences and criticism, and the more they can be attracted to the world to explore its mysteries. One of the good examples of healthy self-concept and self-esteem is the life of Nick Vujicic, a worldwide known motivational speaker who was born without arms and legs because of a rare syndrome. His motor disability and absence of limbs didn’t stop him from having a family and living a full life, helping others, writing books, lecturing worldwide, encouraging children with the same syndrome, and being financially independent. His healthy self-concept and self-esteem allowed him not to internalize all the criticisms and mocking received during his school years and to overcome the difficult periods and continue his life journey with new achievements and joy as a strong adult.
“A man who acts by himself, who expends his strength on his own actions, conquers himself, increases his strength, and perfects himself. If men of the future are to be strong, they must be independent and free”[6]. – Maria Montessori
What are the good and bad aspects of having high self-esteem?
We need to differentiate between healthy and poor self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem relates to realistic beliefs (realistic estimate of own abilities and limits, ability to recognize own mistakes), affirming statements, and positive feelings about oneself. Healthy self-esteem is balanced and built upon a realistic sense of self-worth and competence, self-respect, and respect for others. In contrast, poor self-esteem fluctuates to the extremes when a person respects just oneself while feeling superiority towards others or does not respect oneself at all (judging oneself harshly, feeling anxiety).[7]
Thus, it is important to differentiate between healthy or strong and poor self-esteem. While strong self-esteem gives people a good feeling about themselves and a sense of respect for themselves and others. Poor self-esteem brings emotional, cognitive, and behavioral problems.
To conclude, self-esteem is an essential dimension of social-emotional development. It is a vital part of a child’s thinking, beliefs, and feelings about themselves, which determine their behavior, socialization, and approach to the world. Self-concept can be considered a significant tool to boost a child’s self-esteem and self-confidence. Through this knowledge, adults may help children grow into strong personalities or strong adults[8]. First of all, adults need to form warm emotional bonds with infants and ensure to use a nurturant approach to the children (use the nurturant parenting or paradigm). Adults shall accept, respect, and love children unconditionally for who they are and use only responsive language (avoiding restrictive language) with comparison, judgment, and criticism.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
[1] British developmental psychologist and psychiatrist best known as the originator of attachment theory
[2]What are the different types of attachment? 10.07.2020, Behavioral Health, Blog, Developmental Health https://thewaveclinic.com/blog/what-are-the-different-types-of-attachment/
[3] What is Secure Attachment and Bonding? https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/what-is-secure-attachment-and-bonding.htm
[4] Bowlby’s Attachment Theory By Dr. Saul McLeod, updated 2017, https://www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html#:~:text=Bowlby’s%20evolutionary%20theory%20of%20attachment,to%20one%20main%20attachment%20figure
[5]Maria Montessori, https://thegrowingplace.org/testimonial/maria-montessori/
[6] Maria Montessori The Discovery of the Child, p. 60, https://montessori150.org/maria-montessori/montessori-quotes
[7] Healthy Self-Esteem, By Student Wellness Centre Nov 12, 2014, https://students.usask.ca/articles/self-esteem.php#:~:text=What%20is%20Healthy%20Self%2DEsteem,proud%20of%20what%20they%20accomplish
[8] the notion used by Dr. M.Montessori